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Desert Soul by ~honeymfr:iconhoneymfr:

Categories Scraps




Parched of water
Cracking under the scorching sun
Exsiccate canyons shrinking, shrivelling apart

Just a drop -
These islands of death scream through dry lips.
Another crevice is formed from the opened orifice

My psyche
This desolate desert of a soul.
This disarrayed puzzle will never fit back together

My God my God
Why have I left you for so long?
I don't want to remember when you reigned here last

If I could
I would cry out, welcome you again
But this sandpaper throat allows for no saving sonance

It’s too late
A drop will only bead on contact
Too calloused for containing any nourishing lifeblood

River revive
schismed, as I have made myself
Flood the abyss of this liquidated carcass

Brittle bones
Breathe on, breathe on this arid valley
Baptize me; quicken the dull throb of this once yours rot heart

Just preserver
Soften, mould and kiln this hard clay
Fill this tureen and eve's apple will sing again

Oh west wind
That returned your breathe to artery
Within this cage a soul softly finds breath for the first time

Newly born
A wasteland thriving and flowering
This new rainforest blooms only to please its harvester

Once dry, wet
Once dead and deserted, now alive
Once self-defiled and desecrated now whole and made right.
©2005-2009 ~honeymfr
:iconhoneymfr:

Author's Comments

After relooking at this from a critiquing point of view, I find I don't like it.
There is too much imagery that isn't quite developed enough for my tastes.
Though it is structured, it does not flow and is jerky in some places.
It is too shallow, on the surface, not allowing what I really wanted said to come through.
It sounds more like a thesauras than a poem.

Blech.

Structure:

It is written in stanza's of 3, the syllables go something like this: 4-8-12, 3-9-14, 3-9-14 and then it repeats through the rest of the poem. There is no particular stress or intonation pattern. Maybe thats the problem. I think I'll stick to free verse. Or structures that are already tried and true.

Comments


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:icontwotoedtoadtoo:
~twotoedtoadtoo Oct 24, 2005, 3:53:32 PM
Wow, I love the form here, this is amazing. Great piece. Gives me ideas..all I have written in so long is open. :+fav:

--
In this cold world there's warmth somewhere
It's at the cross, the cross alone
:iconhoneymfr:
~honeymfr Oct 24, 2005, 5:00:32 PM
thanks! I like passing on ideas...

and its not too structured, it was easy to be flexible in - so just make up your own structure!
:iconpandalemur:
~pandalemur Nov 17, 2005, 6:24:42 AM
This is wonderful Beautiful job.
:hug:

--
I'm pro-life. That includes post-womb.
400,000 deaths. Stop the genocide. Be aware.
{www.savedarfur.org}

"It is paramount for me to know that I am an artist and a Christian. They are inseperable from me." - Krystyna Sanderson
:iconar-pharazon:
~Ar-Pharazon Nov 18, 2005, 5:30:26 AM
This is really great. I remember writing something like this ages ago, so I automatically knew what you were on about from the first line... great work... my first fav in months...

--
"I don't need to a compass to tell me which way the wind shines"
:iconhoneymfr:
~honeymfr Nov 18, 2005, 11:16:46 AM
yes, I knew it wasn't a extremely original idea, but I'm glad you can associate with it anyway. thanks!
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October 1, 2005
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